Jeremy’s Completely Objective 2010 Election Guide To The Parties

I did it last time, and I am reliably informed by my own overweening ego and wild imagination that it was instrumental in John Howard’s defeat. (Correlation equals causation, remember.) With such awesome power at my disposal, can the country afford for me NOT to give people Jeremy’s Completely Objective 2010 Election Guide To The Parties?

You should vote Greens if:

  • You would probably have voted Labor before they sold out on refugees, climate change, marriage equality, public services, taxpayer funded political advertising, mental health, dental care, the poor, internet filter, R18, censorship, indigenous Australians and anyone else who didn’t look like winning them a marginal seat;
  • You’d like action on all the above things;
  • You’re a lower-case liberal who has found that the party that shares your name is now just a conservative party and couldn’t give a damn about personal freedoms;
  • You realise that the only way we’re going to get change away from the two big old parties, or get them to start actually represent ideas and policies again is if people stop automatically bloody voting for them regardless of how vacuous they are;
  • You understand that you can preference whoever the hell you like and if you’re determined to keep Abbott out, you can vote 1 Greens, preference Labor above the Liberals, and your vote will be the strongest anti-Abbott vote possible.

You should vote Labor if:

  • You are disengaged from politics and all you know is you don’t like Tony Abbott or the Liberals and you know they’re a pack of liars who hate ordinary people and stand for the big end of town but you can’t be bothered looking at anyone other than the big parties because that’s the way it’s been as long as you’ve been voting and you can’t see how it can change and they’re all a pack of liars anyway.

You should vote Australian Sex Party if:

  • You agree with the Greens on all the civil liberties issues, but would rather the exciting unpredictability of a party that hasn’t got any policies on anything else. Who knows how they’ll vote on refugees or climate change or public services? Your guess is as good as theirs.

You should vote Liberal if:

  • You want $1.5 billion cut from education for poor people;
  • You think huge multinational mining companies should be free to gouge out Australia’s once-off natural assets at their extremely profitable boom prices without the taxpayer benefiting at all;
  • You think “good economic management” involves flogging off public assets and presiding over a mining boom;
  • You think any parental leave scheme should discriminate against fathers and poor families;
  • You want your preferences to go to Fundies First;
  • You think a country of 22 million people is groaning under the wait of maybe 3000 refugees who arrive by boat;
  • You think Australia will be fine with 2005 internet speeds in 2050, and would’ve voted against building electricity infrastructure if you’d been alive a hundred years ago;
  • You think 2% waste in a massive stimulus program that avoided a recession is “incompetence”;
  • You like Mr Abbott’s refreshing announcement that you can’t believe a word he says unless it’s written down, and that he’ll happily say whatever he thinks you want him to say if it’ll induce you to vote for him, just don’t expect him to actually follow through later.
  • Climate change doesn’t exist until we’re actually under water. And even then it’s nothing to do with us and there was nothing we could’ve done.
  • You want the Liberals to have control of treasury and the benefits of incumbency including huge taxpayer-funded advertising budgets that you’ll note they never promised not to exploit, before they start dismantling worker protections (whilst not calling it WorkChoices).

You should vote Fundies First if:

  • You think the State should be run by your local Church;
  • You think your Church should be run by the State (which is the side-effect of the previous point);
  • You think people shouldn’t come to Jesus of their own free will, they should be forced to do so by the government;
  • You are predominantly concerned with issues that have nothing to do with the Federal government (abortion, religious vilification) and want a representative who will stand against other things your religion might advocate (like treating refugees humanely).

You should vote CEC if:

  • You are a tinfoil hat wearing neo-Nazi.

You should vote Shooters & Fishers: if

  • You are a tinfoil hat wearing neo-Nazi with a gun.

You should vote Democrats if:

  • You still think Essendon can win the Premiership this year.

Remember: your vote is worth exactly the same as Julia Gillard’s, or Tony Abbott’s. There’s a reason they’ve been shouting at you for the last five weeks: because your vote is powerful. Please, enjoy exercising it.

PS Also, remember you have complete control over your preferences. Please take advantage of it.

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20 responses to “Jeremy’s Completely Objective 2010 Election Guide To The Parties

  1. Dear Jeremy,
    My tinfoil hat is recycled, I have fascist tendencies but I’m passionate about universal health care. Suggestions?
    Confused

  2. I think there are better reasons to vote the ALP over the Greens – like you like a party that has a well thought out complete set of policies.

    I’m not sure if I’d want the greens governing the country yet, but a vote for them is at least a kick up the arse to Labor to stop selling out. I’m happy we have preferential voting so we can easily do this, without worrying about helping the party I really hate win.

  3. Looking at the group voting tickets for the Victorian Senate election, it’s astonishing and instructive to see who some of them put high and low – and more scarily, who they *don’t* put last.

    I think I’ll be voting below the line this time round.

  4. Sensational stuff Jeremy!

    I think I’ll be voting for the ABC Interprative Dance Bandicoot.

  5. zaratoothbrush

    Gee Jeremy, I wanna vote for you – that was a great summary.

  6. My tinfoil hat is recycled, I have fascist tendencies but I’m passionate about universal health care. Suggestions?

    Move to Cuba.
    The rum is hot and the chicks are hotter.

    Cheers.

  7. phyllis5tein

    Preferences for Dummies: If a Labor protest vote for the Greens allegedly re aligns Labor policies then the Greens lose votes back to Labor and Labor loses votes to the Coalition no? How does this benefit anyone but the Coalition?

  8. “a massive stimulus program that avoided a recession ”

    That is false. The cheques merely brought forward some retail spending, and the BER overheated the construction industry with little to show for it in terms of productive assets. Your 2% figures is a rounding-down of complaints (which are presumably an undercount itself), not a measure of “waste”.

  9. Ooh, no – rain…just when I put my tin foil hat in the wash.
    I can tell you haven’t spent a lot of time in a fundy church AOL because you’d have put in the tin hat clause for that group also(forgive my massive generalization).

    Working in the meeja, I do find Tony Abbott’s candour delightfully refreshing, but the same could be said of the Sex Party or the Free Australia Party, so that is not going to be a deciding factor for moi.

    When the monk was a minister his government took study allowance away from disabled people and sole parents, placed everyone’s jobs on the line with work-un-choices, whilst cleverly & simultaneously lining up free trade agreements and unskilled & desperate employees as underpaid factory fodder. No amount of botox and fake tans can cover that up.

    If I want skullduggery and deceipt I’ll watch Underbelly, so the phony red’s out. I am still choking on Australia’s richest man and woman telling me they’ll hold jobs in the mines hostage if we vote Labor, let alone the complacent media failing to disclose their mining interests in their commentaries. In any event, do we really want to listen to those repetitious speeches & that grinding Kath Day-Knight accent for the next 3 years?

    They’ve forced the voters into a corner really haven’t they?

  10. “Preferences for Dummies: If a Labor protest vote for the Greens allegedly re aligns Labor policies then the Greens lose votes back to Labor and Labor loses votes to the Coalition no? How does this benefit anyone but the Coalition?”

    I do worry about this. The last thing we need is a Labor party that is too progressive to get elected. However, I don’t think we are anywhere near this point at the moment.

  11. Phyllis – you’re saying you want your party to chase Coalition votes by adopting Coalition policies? Sure, that might help them against the Coalition, but it doesn’t help them get any policies a progressive would like enacted.

    I’ve never heard the complaint from progressives that the ALP doesn’t chase right wing policies enough!

    Let me put it this way: are you voting against the Coalition or their policies? I’m voting against their policies.

  12. “Phyllis – you’re saying you want your party to chase Coalition votes by adopting Coalition policies? Sure, that might help them against the Coalition, but it doesn’t help them get any policies a progressive would like enacted”

    The point is that the ALP needs to get the voters in the middle to get elected. If they can’t do this, the outcome is an easy coalition victory, which would be worse than an ALP that has compromised to get into power.

  13. lauriebraith

    I must confess having had to Google “CEC political party”.
    The answer returned “associated with the La Rouche movement in the USA”
    Ah yes: tinfoil hat time indeed.

  14. I refuse to pessimistically accept that the only way to win govt is to be conservative. That the only choice voters should get is between two conservative parties.

    That’s a total copout.

    Labor, a socially-conservative union party, only deserves support from such voters, maybe 25-30% of the vote, because that’s all it represents. The Greens deserve the same, as the only party representing progressives. Together they could keep the Liberals out.

    As long as you don’t preference the conservatives, you’re not helping them.

  15. Voted LDP, some of their policies are bit out there however alot of it does resonate with me. My second preference was the Greens

  16. Marek; excellent suggestion. I fly out tomorrow.
    Gracias

  17. I think the result tonight makes clear that standing for nothing isn’t as much a vote-winner as the ALP was hoping it was.

  18. Yep, and in my seat Ciabo’s majority grew to over 60% before preferences. Woohoo safe Lib seats :/

  19. “I think the result tonight makes clear that standing for nothing isn’t as much a vote-winner as the ALP was hoping it was.”

    Or maybe they’ll learn that Tory voters prefer the Liberals and by chasing the Tory vote she completely abandoned what was left of Labors support base.

    I’d be shattered if I were a Labor supporter, fortunately since I’ve been old enough to vote they just haven’t been left wing enough for me, I’ve never voted Labor and I doubt I ever will.

    I’ll be disappointed if Abbot becomes PM, personally, I’m sure I’ll prosper under either Labor or Liberal, when I voted, I voted for who I thought would be better for the nation, I didn’t vote with my hip pocket, I’m not an asylum seeker, I’m not a person who is discriminated against but I cast my vote with those people in my mind. If only more voters weren’t as short sighted and selfish as our leaders.

    Ah well, we get the government we deserve.

  20. ‘Stop the boats’ gets a big cheer. Fuck we’re a selfish nation. We get the government we deserve. Go Australia!!!

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