I did it last time, and I am reliably informed by my own overweening ego and wild imagination that it was instrumental in John Howard’s defeat. (Correlation equals causation, remember.) With such awesome power at my disposal, can the country afford for me NOT to give people Jeremy’s Completely Objective 2010 Election Guide To The Parties?
You should vote Greens if:
- You would probably have voted Labor before they sold out on refugees, climate change, marriage equality, public services, taxpayer funded political advertising, mental health, dental care, the poor, internet filter, R18, censorship, indigenous Australians and anyone else who didn’t look like winning them a marginal seat;
- You’d like action on all the above things;
- You’re a lower-case liberal who has found that the party that shares your name is now just a conservative party and couldn’t give a damn about personal freedoms;
- You realise that the only way we’re going to get change away from the two big old parties, or get them to start actually represent ideas and policies again is if people stop automatically bloody voting for them regardless of how vacuous they are;
- You understand that you can preference whoever the hell you like and if you’re determined to keep Abbott out, you can vote 1 Greens, preference Labor above the Liberals, and your vote will be the strongest anti-Abbott vote possible.
You should vote Labor if:
- You are disengaged from politics and all you know is you don’t like Tony Abbott or the Liberals and you know they’re a pack of liars who hate ordinary people and stand for the big end of town but you can’t be bothered looking at anyone other than the big parties because that’s the way it’s been as long as you’ve been voting and you can’t see how it can change and they’re all a pack of liars anyway.
You should vote Australian Sex Party if:
- You agree with the Greens on all the civil liberties issues, but would rather the exciting unpredictability of a party that hasn’t got any policies on anything else. Who knows how they’ll vote on refugees or climate change or public services? Your guess is as good as theirs.
You should vote Liberal if:
- You want $1.5 billion cut from education for poor people;
- You think huge multinational mining companies should be free to gouge out Australia’s once-off natural assets at their extremely profitable boom prices without the taxpayer benefiting at all;
- You think “good economic management” involves flogging off public assets and presiding over a mining boom;
- You think any parental leave scheme should discriminate against fathers and poor families;
- You want your preferences to go to Fundies First;
- You think a country of 22 million people is groaning under the wait of maybe 3000 refugees who arrive by boat;
- You think Australia will be fine with 2005 internet speeds in 2050, and would’ve voted against building electricity infrastructure if you’d been alive a hundred years ago;
- You think 2% waste in a massive stimulus program that avoided a recession is “incompetence”;
- You like Mr Abbott’s refreshing announcement that you can’t believe a word he says unless it’s written down, and that he’ll happily say whatever he thinks you want him to say if it’ll induce you to vote for him, just don’t expect him to actually follow through later.
- Climate change doesn’t exist until we’re actually under water. And even then it’s nothing to do with us and there was nothing we could’ve done.
- You want the Liberals to have control of treasury and the benefits of incumbency including huge taxpayer-funded advertising budgets that you’ll note they never promised not to exploit, before they start dismantling worker protections (whilst not calling it WorkChoices).
You should vote Fundies First if:
- You think the State should be run by your local Church;
- You think your Church should be run by the State (which is the side-effect of the previous point);
- You think people shouldn’t come to Jesus of their own free will, they should be forced to do so by the government;
- You are predominantly concerned with issues that have nothing to do with the Federal government (abortion, religious vilification) and want a representative who will stand against other things your religion might advocate (like treating refugees humanely).
You should vote CEC if:
- You are a tinfoil hat wearing neo-Nazi.
You should vote Shooters & Fishers: if
- You are a tinfoil hat wearing neo-Nazi with a gun.
You should vote Democrats if:
- You still think Essendon can win the Premiership this year.
Remember: your vote is worth exactly the same as Julia Gillard’s, or Tony Abbott’s. There’s a reason they’ve been shouting at you for the last five weeks: because your vote is powerful. Please, enjoy exercising it.
PS Also, remember you have complete control over your preferences. Please take advantage of it.