Victorians and Tasmanians got a day off work today, the lazy buggers, for one of the nation’s most shamelessly partisan and unfair traditions: Labor Day. You’ll notice that we conservatives don’t have a Liberal Day, or a National Day, or a Conservative Day. How unfair is that?
Well, I propose that this shameless bias in our public institutions be remedied. When the Liberal Party next wins office (I’m told by various well-informed sources in the opinion pages of Melbourne’s tabloid of record that it’ll be this year, because 2007 was an accident and Kevin Rudds’ is definitely going to be a one-term government), we’re going to introduce Employers’ Day. A day to celebrate all the fine work employers’ groups have done in fighting against workers’ “rights” and in squeezing every ounce of productivity out of those parasitical leeches for the least possible money.
It’ll be held on a Saturday, and where Labor Day involves employers having to pay workers to stay home and do nothing, on Employers’ Day they’ll have to come to work on the weekend for no pay whatsoever. Also, health and safety protections will be relaxed, and bosses will get one free unfair dismissal of their choosing. It’ll be a glorious vision of what Australia could be, if only we got our way just a little more.
Come, my fellow Australians. We built this country, with your labour. Isn’t it time we got something back?