Corporate bullsh1t translated #1

Recent correspondence from the Commonwealth Bank:

Exciting changes are happening to your credit card in August 2010.

Dear Mr Sear,

Good news. Your credit card is being updated. From 26 August 2010 your card will be changed to our popular Low Fee credit card, which will be even better for your everyday use.

Translation: We’ll be charging you an annual fee on the card now.

Recent correspondence from nib:

Dear Mr Sear,

Your new premium.

At nib we regularly review our products to make sure they continue to provide the level of cover and benefits our customers need. This review also takes into account the pricing of each product to make usre they remain competitive and provide value for money.

Translation: We’re raising your premium by 10%.

They really are very good at implying the exact opposite of what they’re technically telling you, aren’t they?

UPDATE: Via Northern Exposure in the comments:

9 responses to “Corporate bullsh1t translated #1

  1. That is gold. Post updated.

  2. confessions

    I love the “we’re offering you an exciting range of new products in exchange for your continuing loyalty”, only to read in the final sentence “your new annual credit card fee will be $X” – always an increase.

  3. Banks. Hate them. They are the epitome of metretriciousness.

  4. Hi Jeremy,

    I closed my CBA accounts down a few years ago because of their fees.

    If you don’t want any annual fee and also want interest free days, I recommend Victorian Teacher’s Credit Union: *

    You don’t need to be a teacher to join, although an initial $10 membership fee applies.

    * I’m not being paid by VCTU to say this, although I do enjoy their low fee banking.

  5. I’m already moving to a credit union, although not VCTU. This just inspired me to make it a complete change.

  6. Northern Exposure

    The roll over text says “If you do not wish to use the new service, simply do not use the locomotive”

  7. Ha! I love Wondermark.

  8. “Exciting changes are happening to your credit card in August 2010.

    ..Good news.”

    congratulations on the good news, exciting times for you

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