Finally basement cat gets the grilling he deserves (and it’s not a cheeseburger filling)

Accompanying their hilarious rant on videogames and other things (“reckless, nonstop dorm masturbation”, for example) that are DESTROYING OUR KIDS, is ChristWire’s expose on the dangers of kitteh ownership. (For one thing, after a few years of same you won’t be able to simply use the word “cat” any more, save with a prefix like “lol”.)


The entire thing is highly amusing (did you know that “not one of the Apostles ever owned a cat”?), but I’ll just quote their pwning of ICHC:

The sad, almost perverse domination cats hold over their owner’s lives is celebrated all over the internet. One of the worst offenders and a website surely worthy of a mental health study is (“I Can Haz Cheez Burger”). This has become one of the most popular destinations online, a bizarre cult of cat worship that almost seems inspired by Bastet’s debauched festivals. Much like the ancient Egyptians, people today have anthropomorphized their pets to the extreme, giving them human emotions and an offbeat and deep-throated human language that they exchange in endless pictures and comment sections. In this inexplicable fantasy world, cats are obsessed with eating freshly-grilled cheeseburgers and command their human owners to do all sorts of odd tasks around the home. The photos on this website reveal the clumsy and unclean interiors that your average cat owner inhabits: open food containers, dirty laundry, gigantic television screens, old couches everywhere.

Indeed. Or, as a lolkitteh might put it –


I just can’t believe that this sort of depravity can be so easily found on the internet, of all places.

Gold standard satire (I hope).


8 responses to “Finally basement cat gets the grilling he deserves (and it’s not a cheeseburger filling)

  1. You know, for a moment I actually believed that this was a legit fundamentalist Christian website. Though surely this is a joke site, right?

    The sad thing: it’s hard to tell, because there are people out there who are actually that crazy.

  2. “surely this is a joke site, right?”

    The consensus is that it is. But you’re right – it’s called Poe’s Law:

    “Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is impossible to create a parody of Fundamentalism that SOMEONE won’t mistake for the real thing.”

    I just thought both were amusing.

  3. Oh they’re very amusing and very convincing. At first I actually believed it!

    Though I’m not sure whether I find it funny or not, it’s so subtle that it hits just a little too close to home XD

  4. This makes it clear that cats are leftist – they don’t work for a living and they cause the breakdown of the traditional family unit.

    I’m surprised that they didn’t mention how cats cause gayness.

    I bet they are behind tax and big government too.

  5. “The Old and New Testaments describe this period in ancient Egypt’s history and the time directly afterward in Israel but nowhere in the Bible is a cat referred to in a positive light. In fact, amazingly not one of the Apostles ever owned a cat! (It goes without saying that Jesus never did.) In the Good Book, they are often referred to as “beasts,” something akin to Satan’s serpent.”
    You can’t make this shite up…

  6. AdamTheLurker

    @ Craigy, I’d have to say thats a Poe. However, it could be a badly conflicted Democratic Republican Communist Liberal Christian Atheist trying to wrestle with his homosexuality and fear of god and put them into some kind of harmony.

    I can only hope that a tiny minority of Christians would actually mistake this for the genuine thing. Although the reference to a genuine study that implied (not in any way confirmed) eczema slightly unnerved me. Although the very fact that the article had links to evidence should point out that it is a Poe.

  7. I would personally be very surprised to find that this is satire. For one thing it is not really funny. It contained concepts that should be ludicrously funny, but it just isn’t.

    Christianity has long history in believing that cats are evil. In the Middle Ages women were burnt at the stake for nothing more than being a widow and owning a cat.

    What I do find funny is that this fundamentalist has chosen this topic to preach on. Our family has a cat. She is very friendly, playful and is great company. Just because some pagan cult 2000 years ago worshiped them and they don’t always obey human commands – cats are evil. That is a fucking joke.

    It might be fun to start a bogus cat Worshipping cult just to get the fundamentalists stirred up.

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